The following comment arrived on July 6, 2012, but Aunt Savvy never received the comment notice via email, so this is being answered a month late (better late than never).
Dear Aunt Savvy,
I am sooo tired of having family coming over, assuming that they can also bring their dogs with them. I have an OUTDOOR dog.
They threaten me that if I don't let them run around freely inside my home, they will not visit me.
How or what can I do to properly tell them that I don't want them in my home?
--A Dog Lover, But Not in My House
Dear Dog Lover,
The easy, glib answer: It's your house, so you make the rules.
However, Aunt Savvy is cognizant that navigating family issues can be tricky and that this may be more than just wanting to allow their dogs to run wild in your house.
You say that your family "threatens" you if you don't allow the dogs inside. This kind of fighting word concerns Aunt Savvy, who wonders if something deeper is going on than just dogs running wild in your home. Do your relatives threaten never to visit you again or to cut you off completely? Do they threaten you verbally or physically? If so, then this is a type of emotional blackmail, calling for drastic measures. If this is the case, then Aunt Savvy recommends a family meeting with a professional counselor present.
But let's assume that this is just an ordinary family disagreement over the place of dogs in your lives and homes.
Perhaps your family members are worried about the well-being of your outdoor dog and want to show why your dog ought to live inside; maybe they're right, maybe not. Aunt Savvy can only hope that Fido is well-cared for, has plenty of food and water, lives in a nice cozy dog house, and is properly groomed for the season. If this is the case, then your family should have no worries and need to respect your desire to keep your indoors pet-free.
So Aunt Savvy suggests that you prepare for the next family visit by providing a nice outside place for your canine visitors to play, eat, and drink, so, perhaps, a backyard cookout would be a great solution. Both family and dogs would feel welcome.
But be aware that indoor pets have a very low tolerance for extreme weather (heat, cold, rain, snow). In that case, then your relatives need to leave their dogs at home.
Now how to broach the house rules to your family: Aunt Savvy finds that writing a nice letter or email (Be sure to praise their pets in some way, if you can) to each relative can work well, explaining why their dogs should visit only when the weather is conducive for outside visiting. Emphasize that your relatives are always welcome but that, sometimes, the dogs need to remain at home.
Perhaps you are allergic to indoor dander, your canine kin are hooligans of the animal kingdom, or you just don't like the smell of dog inside your house. These are all valid reasons for not wanting animals roaming inside your house. But you must be careful not to unduly insult your family.
However, if your relatives don't wish to comply with your wishes, then you will have to decide if you want to risk alienating them for the sake of a pristine, animal-free house. If this is really important to you, then you must be upfront with them and tell them that the dogs will not be welcome inside your home. Period.
And then be prepared to deal with ruffled feathers and hurt feelings. Perhaps they will no longer want to visit your home.
Aunt Savvy suspects, however, that your family will eventually come around and forgive you for what they may perceive as quirks in your personality.
Worse case scenario: you may end up visiting their homes more often, where dogs are kings and queens of the castle.
Before you commit to anything--new relationship, new baby, new job, new car, new babysitter, new city, etc.--you should, before leaping head first, do thorough research and, most importantly, soul searching.
Better to do the hard work and checking out options now rather than regretting your choices later.
Obviously, some commitments are more serious and permanent than others, such as committing to another person or having a baby, especially having children--no do-overs here.
Buying a washing machine is less life-changing than having children, but, even so, you want to make sure you buy the right appliance at the right price. A few minutes of research and contemplation can save you hours of grief later.
"Before You Commit" is a new section of this blog that will help you navigate those important decisions (and even not-so-major decisions) before you make those commitments.
* Aunt Savvy (new name!) will consider answering your questions for this site. She seeks questions having to do with typical relationship, etiquette, and sticky social situation problems. Please submit your questions here. You may submit your questions anonymously. Even if you submit your real name, your personal info (name, address, e-mail) will not be revealed.
That way, your question will be more likely to be accepted.
Sorry, but Aunt Savvy will not be able to answer any questions, except those published on the site.
Please note that Aunt Savvy is not an expert in serious psychological and medical issues. If you have a serious mental or medical problem, you need to see a professional. Check your local Yellow Pages or YellowPages.com (scroll down to the bottom of the page for your state) for more information.
If you are feeling suicidal, read here for some quick resources so that you can seek help. This link (not affiliated with Please.info) has no ads or pop ups and can help you get started on the road to recovery. The author of that website seems to be a caring person who understands what it means to be depressed and at the edge.
The advice that Aunt Savvy offers is just that: advice from an objective third party. In the end, you must decide for yourself whether to follow Aunt Savvy's suggestions. *
If you live in the United States of America, there is a chance that you can answer "yes" to this two-part question.
To what extent may vary, but almost everyone in consumerist America has too much stuff and too little space. However, most of us, from time to time, do weed and organize our stuff, although not as much as we would like. Moreover, most of us know when to discard obvious garbage, such as soda bottles, science projects from the refrigerator, old newspapers and magazines, food wrappers, etc. We might be labeled as "pack rats" for our inability to part with books, records, or even rocks (I plead guilty here). We hoard things that hold intrinsic personal value, even if they are not that useful or "valuable" in a monetary sense.
On the other hand, "compulsive hoarding" is a serious disorder, often requiring intensive psychotherapy and the help of professional organizers. "Compulsive Hoarding" can be defined as
...The excessive acquisition of possessions (and failure to use or discard them), even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding impairs mobility and interferes with basic activities, including cooking, cleaning, showering, and sleeping (Wikipedia).
Parts 2 - 4 can be found at the end of this article. _________________________________________________________________
"Compulsive Hoarders" do not seem to know the difference between garbage and useful items/treasures. In their minds, everything is a treasure, including expired food, used pizza boxes, wrappers, coffee grounds, even fecal matter ("I'm going to use it in my garden," which, of course, will never get planted).
Thankfully, most of us are not compulsive hoarders to the extreme.
Household is considered standard. No special knowledge in working with the Chronically Disorganized is necessary. Level I hoarding can be seen as someone overlooking a pile of newspapers or pizza boxes gathering in the corner.
Level II Hoarder
Household requires professional organizers or related professionals to have additional knowledge and understanding of Chronic Disorganization.
Level III Hoarder
Household may require services in addition to those a professional organizer and related professional can provide. Professional organizers and related professionals working with Level III households should have significant training in Chronic Disorganization and have developed a helpful community network of resources, especially mental health providers.
Level IV Hoarder
Household needs the help of a professional organizer and a coordinated team of service providers. Psychological, medical issues or financial hardships are generally involved. Resources will be necessary to bring a household to a functional level. These services may include pest control services, "crime scene cleaners," financial counseling and licensed contractors and handy persons.
Level V Hoarder
Professional organizers should not venture directly into working solo with this type of household. The Level V household may be under the care of a conservator or be an inherited estate of a mentally ill individual. Assistance is needed through the use of a multi-tasked team. These members may include social services and psychological/mental health representative (not applicable if inherited estate), conservator/trustee, building and zoning, fire and safety, landlord, legal aid and/or legal representatives. A written strategy needs to be outlined and contractual agreements made before proceeding.
Hoarders tend to save certain types of objects, such as toys, their children's items (no matter how trivial), tools, automotive parts, books and magazines.
Probably the most devastating kind of hoarding involves animals--everyone has read about or seen TV documentaries about a pet owner who keeps hundreds of cats or dogs. One can only imagine the horror of such a house: feces, rodents, insects, general decomposition, etc. The ABC News report below shows the physical effects of animal hoarding.
So how can you tell if you are a hoarder or on the verge of becoming one? To determine your risk, answer the following questions:
1. Are you a chronic shopper who buys things, used and new, you don't need, just because they are on sale?
2. Do you feel anxiety at the thought of weeding through your things and getting rid of unused stuff?
3. Do you keep obvious junk, such as junk mail or outdated newspapers and periodicals?
4. Is your home a one-way receptacle of stuff? In other words, do you fail to get rid of old items, even though you have replaced them with new and better items?
5. Are you running out of storage space?
6. Is your home becoming increasingly difficult to navigate? (Narrow pathways, for example).
7. Is your piled-up stuff starting to affect the quality of your life; for example, do you and your family have difficulty accessing and using vital areas of your home, such as the kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms, and living room?
8. Has your extended family started commenting negatively on the state of your home?
9. Do you keep three or more pets inside the home?
10. Do you often feel embarrassed to have company over, even close friends and family?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you might be exhibiting some hoarding tendencies and should probably seek professional help.
Even if your situation seems minor, particularly if you are young, it is especially important to nip hoarding issues in the bud. Prevention is easier to manage than a full-blown hoarding problem.
At least in part, compulsive hoarding seems to be an offshoot of a consumerist, throwaway society. Back in the 1950's, when I was a child, hoarding was extremely rare; in fact, the occasional messy house was a cause for scorn and gossip. Consumers were thrifty and opted for having broken appliances repaired instead of replacing them. Kids wore clothes until they wore out or no longer fit, and usable clothing was passed down to younger siblings or friends. Leftover clothes were donated to the church or a thrift shop. Children did not wear designer clothing, but, rather, tough, practical garments designed for school and play.
Of course, hoarding did exist back in the good old days--one just has to look at the Collyer brothers' case of the 1940's--but this form of obsessive behavior seems to have increased in recent years. Also, back then, young people did not have the disposable income that they do now, so acquisition of stuff occurred more slowly.
For those who are relatives or friends of hoarders: remember to be compassionate with your loved one. Hoarding is a mental illness that defies logic, so these people must be treated with care and understanding, not mocked or scolded. Licensed professionals, such as therapists and organizers, are best equipped to help hoarders.
Cleaning out the hoarder's house without his or her permission is probably the worst thing a family member can do. First and foremost, a hoarder must feel in control of the cleaning out process and have the final say as to what goes and what stays. Otherwise, you risk alienating, perhaps forever, your loved one.
Of the two shows, I believe that Hoarding: Buried Alive does a better job of helping the hoarders that they follow because their therapists and organizers allow the hoarders to take some significant time in getting their stuff cleaned out and their homes in order. The Hoarders' professionals, on the other hand, seem to rush their clients to complete the clean out within a few days, not giving the clients enough time to sort through their feelings and, yes, stuff. Also, the stereotypical scene with that convoy of Got Junk trucks rolling down the street is enough to cause serious trauma to already fragile souls. In some cases, however, the deadlines have been imposed by city officials, not the show's producers. Also, A&E does provide aftercare funds, suggesting that therapy occurs long after the cameras have been turned off.
As long as we remain a consumerist society, the number of hoarders will continue to rise. Both hoarding series show that hoarding can start at an early age and escalate as sufferers grow older. The sooner one gets help, the better the long-term prognosis.
* The other day, I visited an antique mall, to look for mineral specimens (which I collect), and other targets of opportunity.
I'm no expert on product placement of inventory, but, as a buyer, I do pick and choose where I will spend my time looking, especially in large antique malls with hundreds of booths vying for my attention; my time and energy are limited.
As I browsed, I noted some general observations about what sellers can do to make their spaces more appealing to buyers:
Make sure that you tag everything with readable prices (large numbers in black ink) and correct descriptions. Don't misrepresent your items; if you don't know, please don't guess. Either do your research or price accordingly.
Price your items right; many buyers are savvy about value, and if they see that your prices tend to be higher than reasonable wholesale, they will walk and go to the next booth. These days, you have plenty of competition, including bricks and mortar thrift shops, where prices are dirt cheap and astounding treasures can be found, and online stores, such as eBay and Craig's List.
Old, faded tags tell me that your item is priced way too high. If you really want to sell it, mark it down.
Be willing to dicker (leave your mobile number on file with the mall proprietor who can then call you when a customer wants to make a deal) and be willing to keep an open mind.
If your items are kept in locked display cases, make sure that your price tags are turned upward and clearly visible. There is nothing more irritating than not being able to see a price. Unless I'm seriously drooling over an item, I am not likely to ask the clerk, who is often alone at the front counter, to open the case.
Place themed items together. For example, while you may not be offering just Disneyana, you may want to dedicate one or more shelves to just your Disney items. Many potential buyers collect specific kinds of items (Teddy bears) or collectible labels (Beanie Babies), so make their browsing experience easier.
It's okay to dedicate your entire space to one kind of item, such as Coca Cola collectibles or rock specimens. While you will enjoy fewer casual browsers, theme collectors are serious buyers and will spend more time in your space. On the other hand, don't expect every shopper to stop by your booth. No way will I waste my time looking at shelf after shelf of old dishes, but others will, so it's a trade off.
Keep small, expensive items, such as jewelry, in a locked display case. If larger items are valuable, consider placing them under lock and key as well, but you probably don't need to worry about a chest of drawers being pilfered.
Keep your space tidy and clean, and don't overload it with inventory. If I want to comb through junk, I can do that in the bargain bin at the thrift store. When I go to an antique mall, I want to look through organized inventory and easily accessible items. In this case, less is better; create a sense of space--your items should be displayed in a manner that makes them look special and worth the price you are asking.
Dress up your space, perhaps according to theme or season. However, label your "not-for-sale" display items accordingly. A buyer might make an offer anyway, so be open minded and friendly. Recently, at a mineral show, I made an offer on a wood-carved hand/forearm; the seller was displaying necklaces on it. I thought it would be useful for storing and showing off my own necklaces and bracelets. The seller accepted my offer, and I ended up with a useful item and an unusual piece of art from Africa.
Some additional thoughts about about antique shows, where you and your employees will be working directly with customers:
Keep in mind that your customers have paid an admission fee; therefore, treat them with respect. If you ignore me or are surly, I am not likely to visit your shop, and I will be sure to tell others about your snooty and rude behavior.
Don't judge customers by the way they dress. Some attendees like to dress comfortably, especially when they decide to spend an entire day at an antique show, often held in large convention centers with concrete floors. That bearded blue-jeaned hippie in sneakers might be sitting on a 200-million-dollar trust fund. In short, treat a customer as if she or he is about drop a thousand bucks.
If someone asks a question about something related to your field, be friendly and helpful. If you don't know the answer to the question, just be polite and say you don't know and offer a good source or two that might hold some answers.
True story: I stopped going to a very popular antique show that occurs twice a year in my area because most of the sellers were surly and rude to customers. I overheard two of them lamenting the lack of business; I wanted to pipe up and tell them my take on their slow sales, but why bother? Potential attendees won't tell a seller or show promoter, "You're being rude, so I'm not coming back." Instead, they will vote with their feet and dollars.
There may be other considerations that I may have missed, but my suggestions are based on the "do unto others" rule. As a customer, I am polite and respectful to sellers, and I hope for the same from my sellers.
On my recent foray, I didn't find any mineral specimens, but I did buy a $3.00 cerrobend hexagon paperweight. I passed on a pretty stone necklace that was, quite frankly, way overpriced and not that special.
On the other hand, the cerrobend paperweight passed my three-pronged serendipity test:
1. I like it; it is different from anything I have ever seen.
2. It has a mark ("Cerro Bend"), which makes it easier to research, and
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